Trump v. Biden 2.0?

They’ve done it. History is repeating itself before our very eyes. Donald Trump, in 2016, became the oldest president to ever be sworn in – 74 years old. And Joe Biden, at 78 years old in 2020, replaced Trump with that same distinction. Now they both want to continue this age race by running yet again to become the chief resident of the White House.

Together, today, they are 156 years old!

What follows is how I think the first debate between these two candidates might go. But let me begin with this very clear statement:

Neither Donald Trump nor Joe Biden should run for president in 2024, let alone be elected.

It matters not what they, and their inner circles, personally want, or what the national pundits say, it is time for new candidates. We need candidates and representatives who are in touch with reality, not to mention with those they seek to represent – not one who has lived off a government paycheck for more than 50 years (and still has become a millionaire) and could not tell the truth if it killed him or one who has no real understanding of what life is really like for most residents of the United States and who exaggerates any statement he makes, whether true or not.

Donald Trump is too old, too polarizing, carries too much baggage, and would end up spending another term fighting charges, accusations, and investigations, whether baseless or truthful. We do not need another four years of the same fight we experienced during his first term in office. Even if you approved of his actions as president, do we really want or need this again?

Let’s move on!

If Trump is too old, Joe Biden is WAY too old. And not all there. Despite what his supporters claim, he is not well. He has trouble conveying a rational thought unless he is reading a teleprompter, and even then he stumbles and bumbles. And, on top of that, he has become the most divisive, spend-happy, and freedom-stealing president ever.

Let’s move on!

Neither candidate should again become Commander in Chief. Think about what the presidential campaign will become if those two secure their respective party’s nominations next year. Think about how insane, contentious, and confusing the campaign will be. It will be a circus, the likes of which we have not heretofore seen.

But . . .

Let’s pretend, at least for today, both Donald Trump and Joe Biden end up being the 2024 candidates for the two major parties.

I imagine the following might serve as an accurate representation of the first presidential debate between the two:

Moderator: Welcome everyone to the first presidential debate between President Joe Biden and the twice-impeached former president who carries the distinction of being the first ex-president to have been indicted on criminal charges . . .

Trump: Thank you, thank you, no need for small talk. Let’s get this party started, let’s get the ball rolling, let’s start up Sleepy Joe’s Corvette and see what classified documents we find in its trunk this year.

Biden: Now see here, I locked my corvette and hid the key so there is no way my predecessor is going to start that beautiful, vintage car.

Trump: Oh, yeah, we’ll get it started alright, even if we have to call a locksmith, which, of course, we’ll make Joe pay for! But who needs a locksmith, we know that car and those documents were not secured and both were sitting on the floor of his garage.

Moderator: Okay, gentlemen, let’s get to the issues. This is the first election where both major candidates have been investigated by a special counsel for taking classified documents . . .

Trump: I declassified those documents.

Moderator:  . . .with them when they left office. Mr. Trump, what is the status of your investigation?

Trump: Any documents I had, I declassified before leaving office. So I am innocent. Everyone knows it. You know, Biden took those documents and was not even President. He couldn’t declassify anything; he did not have the authority. And, then he stored them in a garage. A garage! Next to his clunker, wannabe sports car.

Biden: Come on man, you know the corvette is an American classic, one of the best cars ever made. My dad drove that car before the depression and passed it on to me, saying, “Joe, I know one day you will become president of the United States and you will need this car to drive back and forth to DC.” But, because gasoline was so expensive in the 70s, I could not drive it often, which is why I took the train back and forth, every day, talking to the common folks about common things happening in their common lives.

Moderator: President Biden, what is the status of your investigation?

Biden: What investigation? Oh, the one about the documents and the corvette? I promise I registered and insured it, just like any other common car owner would do.

Trump: Wake up Sleepy Joe, we are talking about the documents related to Ukraine, Iran, China and Russia that you stole and shared with your son, Hunter, so he could make millions, millions of dollars for you.

Biden: Listen here (pointing directly at the camera), my son Hunter is an excellent businessman. Even though we never talked about his businesses in the same countries I was responsible for as Vice President, I know he was very qualified for his jobs.

Trump: Joe, Joe, we are talking about Hunter, the guy you sent to Ukraine and to China to do your bidding and . . .

Biden: I did nothing of the sort. My son had his own legitimate business interests in those countries, and I knew nothing about them even when he brought those nice men to visit Barack and me at the White House.

Moderator: We have deviated again from our topic. Mr. Trump, why should the country vote for you again. You were impeached twice and you are still going through a criminal case in New York for felony falsification of business records related to some unnamed crime.

Trump: Thank you, thank you. The sham impeachment hearings were a disgrace to our country and an embarrassment to Congress. I should not have been impeached. Those clowns in Congress, you know, Shifty Adam and Fat Jerry, were not even smart enough to understand picture books. How could they have impeached me? And those criminal charges are just political persecution by a Trump hater who is not even smart enough to be a lawyer. How did he ever pass the bar?

Moderator: Sir, you were impeached. Why should you be elected again?

Trump: Well, to be honest, if I am elected, this will be the third time I won the presidential election. Yes, but the last one was stolen. I will not allow this to happen again. This time, I will win by a landslide so there is no question. We will find the votes. And then we will undo everything that Joe undid that I undid that Barack Obama undid that Bush undid that Clinton undid that Bush’s father, whatever his name was, undid that Reagan, the last great conservative from California, did.

Biden: Hey, I was a senior Senator when Reagan was president and I passed an assault weapons ban and also drafted the bill that put all those bad guys in prison . . .

Trump: Which I had to undo with my bipartisan prison reform. I worked very hard with Kanye West (is that still his name?) to get that done.

Biden: . . .so I knew Reagan. Reagan was no FDR. You know, when I was growing up in Scranton, my dad would buy me ice cream cones at the local five and dime and tell me stories about, well . . . I once had a hole in my pants and I needed new socks, um, yeah, and, well . . . okay.

Moderator: President Biden, during your first term, you fought and beat COVID. You successfully reduced inflation, gasoline prices, and unemployment. You solidified the strength of the United States in the world by supporting and arming Ukraine in its war with Russia. You effectively saved the world by getting rid of gasoline-powered cars. What possibly could you do more in your second term?

Biden: Well, let me tell you . . .

Trump: Now just wait a minute here. I brought the vaccine to market in record time. It couldn’t have been done without me. It was all me. I lowered gas prices by opening up drilling all across America. I even allowed more drilling in that territory by Canada, you know, the place they call Alaska. I made the United States a net positive producer of gasoline. Clean gasoline. And of course, employment crashed during COVID, so there was nowhere else to go but up. This all happened while Joe was sleeping in his office somewhere or sitting in his corvette reading classified documents. And, Ukraine? Joe and Hunter started the war there. Putin would not have tried to invade if I were in office. He would have been scared spitless of me.

Biden: Huh? The truth is, Hunter is a good boy and a great businessman. His friends in Ukraine helped me understand what Ukraine needed to defend itself and why they needed so much money.

Moderator: But, Mr. Biden, in your second term, what will you do?

Biden: When I am reelected, I will continue to keep our nation safe. You know, I went to our border with Canada once. I saw just how safe everyone is and I made sure there were no Canadian children in cages. You know, my predecessor put all those kids in cages and took them from their parents. I am protecting those future voters, I mean, immigrants. I will also make sure we fund our electric car companies so they do not have to spend their own money on research and development and so they can buy batteries made in China. And we will ban natural gas stoves once and for all, get rid of all cars that run on gasoline. You know, because gas costs so much and is destroying the environment.

Trump: Okay, what is Joe talking about here? I am the greatest president there ever was. I saved so many, so many lives when the China virus invaded our country. I protected our country by telling the world not to mess with us. North Korea was afraid of me. Iran was afraid of me. Mexico was about to pay for the wall because of me. Me, me, me. It was all me! That is why you need me again. I will tell Putin to get out of Ukraine and he will leave. I will tell the cartels in Mexico to stop selling fentanyl and they will build us that wall instead. I will tell the United Nations that I am in charge and everyone will listen to me. I can save the world. No one else can.

Moderator: Well, I do not know what we accomplished here but each of you has one minute for closing remarks. President Biden.

Biden: (Looking at the camera) Let me be very clear. Vote for Biden. I am just like you. I grew up in the Puerto Rican and Mexican neighborhoods of Delaware, so I am practically Hispanic. I worked with Barack in the White House so I am practically African-American. I was born in Scranton amongst miners and union workers, so I am practically blue collar. I went to law school and know everything so I am practically God. We will save our country by printing and spending as much money as we can to help you be comfortable and to protect you from climate change, I mean the climate catastrophe. We will not let the Republicans steal your rights or your elections. If the Supreme Court says something we don’t like, we don’t care. We will ignore it or legislate ways around it. I won’t even need Congress. I will act with my executive orders if I have to. We will make it legal to do anything you want, as long as it is not part of the conservative agenda. I am as healthy as I have ever been. I’ve never felt better. Please reelect me as Senator.

Trump: You can’t really believe Joe, here, can you? He stole classified documents and stored them in his garage. You all know how great I am. You all know I declassified all the documents I had and would never have done anything wrong. And even if I had done something wrong it would have been okay because I know best. You all know that tens of thousands attend all my rallies and only the press go to Joe’s, and usually he is in his basement anyway. You all know that I will be the greatest president ever. Again. I will not let the Democrats steal the election again. I will make your lives better. I will protect the borders. I will tell Congress what I want them to do and they will do it. I am that good. In fact, we won’t even need Congress. I will make all your decisions. You can try to impeach me every week; it won’t stop me. I will keep making up names for people I don’t like, even for those who think I am their friend. I am the greatest, you all know it. If you don’t think so, you are my enemy and I will crush you. So, vote for Trump because I am the greatest in the world!

Moderator: Well, this has been one amazing debate. President Biden has demonstrated once again he is a formidable opponent and will be difficult to beat, demonstrating his record of success over and over during his first term. Thank you for joining us with President Biden and the twice-impeached, criminally-indicted other guy.